Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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