How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
