The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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