awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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