I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
