I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
