not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
and you fell through a lawn chair
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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