Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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