Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
