My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
