composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Blood and glitter go together right?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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