dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
