Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
