Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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