You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
