You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
