gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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