Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
