I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
