i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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