took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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