you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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