my mouth tastes like poor choices
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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