I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Randomize
