just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
