i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
