I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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