I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
did i walk over a car last night?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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