i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
