Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
