I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
