Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
