I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
