Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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