Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
