Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
