I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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