i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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