Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
