He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize