I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
