were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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