she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
