woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
