I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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