i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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