currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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