i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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