im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
