Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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