i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
