When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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